current mood: cranky
It has been quite a while since I posted...WOW!
Update: I am still with Dar. WOOHOO! It has been just over 6 months. That is usually the make or break point for me. We hit a rough road, but we got over it. Our relationship is very strong. I am very happy to be with her.
I haven't gotten any further with my divorce from my husband. I'm just not feeling motivated to do much of anything as of late.
I am feeling depressed. I'm on meds, but they don't seem to be working. I have to get bloodowork done before my dr. will even consider changing my prescription. I really don't like having to rely on drugs to alter my mood. UHG! Why can't my body just do it on its own?! I also need to find a therapist to talk to.
I spoke with one of my pastor friends last week, and she said she would hook me up with a friend of hers who is a gay pastor. She says that this woman has her partner living in the parsonage with her. Our denomination claims that homosexuality is incompatible with Christianity, but I figure if she can be in a gay relationship, and still hold onto her pastoral calling, so can I. I am looking forward to talking with her. That will be a major load off my shoulders.
We (Dar, me and our 4 children, also some family and friends) are heading for the White Mountains in New Hampshire for 2 weeks starting this coming Sunday (July 20). I am excited, but I am also looking at it with a bit of trepidation. Last year, I went to Rhode island with Christina's family...While I had some help, I felt extremely stressed a great deal of the time because I had to deal with both kids most of the time I was there. Which, of course, meant that I did not have a very good time. It felt more like work than I vacation. I don't want to pawn my kids off on people all of the time, but it would be nice to have some time without them. Dar, however, just doesn't get it. I think she feels like she put in her dues, so she should be able to have fun. But, now she has the little kids. She says she feels like the little ones get dumped on her. I don't expect her to take them all of the time...But, I would appreciate some help. At least, if I stayed home, I would have a few days off because their dad would take them. Also, I could contain them in the house and the yard. Up there, I won't get many breaks and containing them is going to be stressful. Dar doesn't get why I become so stressed. She says, "I dealt with it for 15 years. The stress gets worse. You gotta learn to manage it!" Of course, when she said that I told her that I was beginning to wonder if I even wanted to go. Then she said, "It's not an excuse as far as I'm concerned." Then she basically said that I made my bed and that I have to lie in it. I know she didn't put it that way, exactly, but that it the basic jist of it. Basically, you chose to have two children, they are your responsibility, so deal with it. I agree, they are my resposibility, but when she asked me to marry her, she signed on. As far as I'm concerned, she is their mom, and has agreed to take responsibilty for them as well. So, it should be 50-50.
Uhm, I know myself. If I get little to no help while we are up there, and I am constantly chasing around my kids - I know that my stress level is going to go sky high, I'm going to have at least one anxiety attack (if not more), and I am going to pack up my car and the kids and go home - Call my ex and ask him to take them for a few days.
Sometimes, I wonder if I am really fit to even be a mom. They stress me out so much. I like kids up until they are walking and talking. Then, I just don't relate to them until they are like 5. The getting into everything stage is just not my cup of tea. They make me want to scream, and sometimes I do.
I love Dar very much. I just wish I could help her understand where I am coming from. She says that I am strong, but I really don't feel like it. I am not her...I need help, and I am not afraid to ask for it. But, I feel like crap when I ask for help because she always brings up how long she took care of two kids on her own...And, she expects me to be able to do that.
I just don't know what to do.