It has been quite a while since I posted...WOW! 

Update: I am still with Dar. WOOHOO! It has been just over 6 months. That is usually the make or break point for me. We hit a rough road, but we got over it. Our relationship is very strong. I am very happy to be with her. 

I haven't gotten any further with my divorce from my husband. I'm just not feeling motivated to do much of anything as of late. 

I am feeling depressed. I'm on meds, but they don't seem to be working. I have to get bloodowork done before my dr. will even consider changing my prescription. I really don't like having to rely on drugs to alter my mood. UHG! Why can't my body just do it on its own?! I also need to find a therapist to talk to.

I spoke with one of my pastor friends last week, and she said she would hook me up with a friend of hers who is a gay pastor. She says that this woman has her partner living in the parsonage with her. Our denomination claims that homosexuality is incompatible with Christianity, but I figure if she can be in a gay relationship, and still hold onto her pastoral calling, so can I. I am looking forward to talking with her. That will be a major load off my shoulders.

We (Dar, me and our 4 children, also some family and friends) are heading for the White Mountains in New Hampshire for 2 weeks starting this coming Sunday (July 20). I am excited, but I am also looking at it with a bit of trepidation. Last year, I went to Rhode island with Christina's family...While I had some help, I felt extremely stressed a great deal of the time because I had to deal with both kids most of the time I was there. Which, of course, meant that I did not have a very good time. It felt more like work than I vacation. I don't want to pawn my kids off on people all of the time, but it would be nice to have some time without them. Dar, however, just doesn't get it. I think she feels like she put in her dues, so she should be able to have fun. But, now she has the little kids. She says she feels like the little ones get dumped on her. I don't expect her to take them all of the time...But, I would appreciate some help. At least, if I stayed home, I would have a few days off because their dad would take them. Also, I could contain them in the house and the yard. Up there, I won't get many breaks and containing them is going to be stressful. Dar doesn't get why I become so stressed. She says, "I dealt with it for 15 years. The stress gets worse. You gotta learn to manage it!" Of course, when she said that I told her that I was beginning to wonder if I even wanted to go. Then she said, "It's not an excuse as far as I'm concerned." Then she basically said that I made my bed and that I have to lie in it. I know she didn't put it that way, exactly, but that it the basic jist of it. Basically, you chose to have two children, they are your responsibility, so deal with it. I agree, they are my resposibility, but when she asked me to marry her, she signed on. As far as I'm concerned, she is their mom, and has agreed to take responsibilty for them as well. So, it should be 50-50.

Uhm, I know myself. If I get little to no help while we are up there, and I am constantly chasing around my kids - I know that my stress level is going to go sky high, I'm going to have at least one anxiety attack (if not more), and I am going to pack up my car and the kids and go home - Call my ex and ask him to take them for a few days. 

Sometimes, I wonder if I am really fit to even be a mom. They stress me out so much. I like kids up until they are walking and talking. Then, I just don't relate to them until they are like 5. The getting into everything stage is just not my cup of tea. They make me want to scream, and sometimes I do. 

I love Dar very much. I just wish I could help her understand where I am coming from. She says that I am strong, but I really don't feel like it. I am not her...I need help, and I am not afraid to ask for it. But, I feel like crap when I ask for help because she always brings up how long she took care of two kids on her own...And, she expects me to be able to do that. 

I just don't know what to do.

OMG, do we have a lot of stuff!!! Now we have to merge it. I've begun the process. Fortunately, I have not completely unpacked from my move last November. I started to go through some of the boxes that were in the garage. I've decided that I need to part with at least half of my stuff, but that is fine by me. I'm beginning a new chapter in my life, so why not start out fresh? I figure if I have gone this long without stuff, I probably don't really need it. 

But, then there is Dar's house. WOW! We have so much work to do. But, we have lots of time. Our life together has just begun. I can't really start moving too much over there as of yet because we need to work on the master bedroom first. When were are through with our house, it is going to be awesome! I am loving Dar's plans for it. She is so creative, and knows the ins and outs of repair and building.

I am excited about life together!

The latest from my ex: "I feel that my life has no consequence to the things you are doing!"

Okay, let's expound upon that, shall we? I go out of my way so that he can see his kids. He doesn't come to me to get them. I bring them to him. I provide a house in which he and the kids can spend quality time together. Sometimes, I even provide food for he and the kids to eat.  His life sas no consequence to the things I'm doing? WHATEVER!!!

Then, he complains that he has to drive them half way to meet us. Hello, the gas prices are outrageous to begin with...But, beyond that, isn't that the very least he could do? I also thought we had it all worked out that he would have the kids on Tuesday and Thursday nights and all day Saturday through to Sunday morning...

Now, he tells me that he has to work on his car ALL DAY on Saturday at my freakin' house...And, he can't have the kids. So, I say, fine you can have them on Sunday and he made a noise the sounded like "uhk!" WTF! So, I am supposed to have the kids all weekend??? I think NOT!!! 

Do you want joint custody or nor not, dude?

I am such a drag lately. Of course, I feel like the blacksheep of my family. Aside from my sister, if I so much as mention Dar's name, they look at me like I've infected them with a deadly virus. 

My ex informed me that while I have lived with his crap for three years, when things finally got better, I threw our relationship away for my "little life" with Dar while he lives in misery because his entire world has been turned upside down. And, that I should have held on to the relationship because our wedding vows said that we would stick it out through good times and bad. WTF!!!

So, it is okay that he hurt me and made my life a living hell? And, because he miraculously got better over night, I am just supposed to forgive him and love him for the rest of my life? Not to mention that being gay is not a freakin' choice! So, I was supposed to remain married to a man when I know that I am a lesbian...Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. 

So, I told him to "stop fucking belittling me!" The life I have chosen with Dar is not "little" or insignificant. Step off, dude!

Not to mention, also, that I am living a double life now. My church can't know my sexual orientation because I stand to lose my job. So, very rarly does Dar come to near the church for fear that someone over here might find out. Of course, they could anyhow because many of them are connected to the area where she and I live together. So, my affection towards Dar is very limited outside of our home. 

Life is definitely interesting...

What a kick in the pants. That was one quote that I heard at Al-Anon last night. No matter how you may try to run away from your problems or yourself, you'll never succeed. You might "go on vacation" for a while, but reality will catch up with you sooner or later. And, there you are, no more equipped to face the prblems that you tried to outrun in the first place. So, why do we do this to ourselves? The cop-out answer is that "we are only human, afterall." But, instead of facing problems as they come, we avoid them. Then, they increase in number and we become overwhelmed. What a vicious cycle...

So, this is one of my Angie-isms. I admit it, I am a stress-aholic. I swear I get off on it. Why else would I let things compound? So, I guess this will be the first of many "isms" that I have to work on...

Thanks Al-Anon! "It works if you work it, so work it, you're worth it!"

Wednesday sucks!!! It is the middle of the week, there are still two more days until the weekend. I spend most of the day doing nothing of significance. I wake up, wishing that the day were over. In fact, if I did not have to wake up at all on Wednesday, I seriously believe that I would not. I am so depressing on Wednesdays. No one even wants to talk to me...

I don't even like the word, "Wednesday." I can't explain it...It makes me cringe. Maybe it is because it has the word "wed" in it, and I am in the process of getting a divorce, so "wed" is like the furthest thing from my mind. But, it really isn't because I can think of someone I would very much like to spend time with for the rest of my life...

So, what is so bad about that word anyway? Maybe it is just the concept of Wednesday that bugs me so much. It just seems longer than any other day, though I know that that is not feasible. But, oh well, join me or not. I am boycotting Wednesday.

Okay, so Saturday was uncomfortable to say the least, but Nate and Lili's party was great! (We had a birthday party co-op) Next year, another one of Nate's friends is going to share his birthday party. I figure we (ehe parents) can get away with this until they are about five. Here's hoping. It saves $$, and is much less stressful for all involved. Nate and Lili got lots of presents. They played with play-doh, colored, ran around and had a blast in Christina's inflatable jumping thingy. Whatever it is called. 

Sunday, my worship service went well. I was exhausted after, and actually got to take a nap. It was nice. That night, the kids and I stayed at Dar's house. The kids stayed with her yesterday (St. Patty's Day) so that I could go do my annual trek to Boston to meet with some old college friends at a pub near Boston University named O' Leary's. I regret having the Corona, but the Irish Mist was awesome. Great friends, a little bit of alcohol, and great food. We had a blast. I arrived at Dar's house in time to tuck my kids in and crash for the night.

This morning, I arrived at the kid's daycare a half hour late, but it was no big deal. Then, I visited Nate's new school. It is going to be so awesome for him. The facility is nice and the staff made me feel very comfortable and welcome. They are looking forward to meeting Nate. There are actually a lot of boys!!! The poor kid has mostly hung around with girls for three years (Not that I personally have anything against girls, but Nate has a slightly different temperment that they do). He is going to have a blast, and I can tell that the structure that they provide throughout the day will help to improve his learning and social skills! I am psyched!

I am really enjoying life right now. I haven't been able to say that for quite a while. It seems to me that so many people, especially American Adults, go through life oblivious to the many joys that surround them. I have been taking time to really appreciate the life I have been given. The past three weeks, I have been going out dancing. I'm finally living life. It is awesome! 

I have been watching the sunrise and the sunset. I've been taking walks in nature. I live in a gorgeous area. Far too many of the locals take it for granted, but it is so beautiful. Yesterday, my friend and I went to a place nearby that was supposed to have been a ski area some time ago. The plans were abandoned. It is nature with some man-made accents, but it works. It isn't overrun by man-made objects. There is a beautiful pond with a path all around it. There is a gazebo and picnic tables scattered around the area. There is a field to play in and the whole area is surrounded by trees and places to hike. There is also a perfect view of the mountain that has the highest elevation in this area. 

I found myself closing my eyes, and listening to the sounds that surrounded me. I could hear a river with a small waterfall. Birds were singing. There was a slight breeze whistling in the trees. I opened my eyes and got lost in in the clear blue sky with little white fluffy clouds. I wished that I could have spent more time there, but I was brought back to reality when my friend informed me that we had been there for an hour, and we both had stuff we needed to get done. So, we left. The beauty in this world simply amazes me!

On the way home, I fell asleep for just a moment and nearly hit a gard-rail. I swear someone/something grabbed the wheel because it wasn't until I felt the car jerk towards the center line that I was startled awake. That was so scary. I know that I am being watched over. Pretty amazing feeling. It makes me wonder what is in store for my life because I obviously have more to accomplish. Otherwise, I may not be here right now. 

Randomness...

Spring is tanatalizingly close, but winter still has a strong hold. 
My youngest is a screamer. Her pitch is deafening. It makes me want to jump off a cliff. 
I'm exhausted because I went out dancing last night, but I had a blast, so it was worth it.
I'm addicted to chunky bleu cheese.
I love Reese's Penut Butter Cups.
I'm hoping that my sons party tomorrow goes smoothly. My inlaws will be here. I'm divorcing their son. Can I just climb under a rock until they leave?
Hope your weekend is a good one.

Woke up, running late. Kids had simultaneous poopy diapers just as I was ready to leave. Oh joy. Visited Christina who was already having her own bad day. Really wanted the coffee Christina and Dar were drinking, but couldn't have it because I gave it up for Lent, so settled for a cup of tea. Was facing the prospect of receiving no relief from my ex for the kids. It is only Wednesday, and I am already exhausted. Ranted and cried for a bit. Finally called my ex and explained how this made me feel. He pissed me off, so I hung up on him, but he called me back. I didn't feel like talking to him, so Christina gave him a piece of her mind. Didn't have time to get gas. Had to rush home for a home-visit from Nate's OT, which turned out to be cancelled. Of course, I wasn't notified. Both kids fell asleep on the way to our house. I though maybe I could take a nap. BUT, only one stayed asleep. So, here it is just over four hours later, I am still awake with both kids being as annoying as possible. UHG! 

Okay, so something positive... I won a pair of movie tickets on an online drawing, which I received in the mail today! WOOHOO! The ex has decided to not to go to his meeting tonight, so that I can escape for a bit. Dinner and shopping sounds GREAT to me.